On Monday, after a year, I finished my psychology sessions. It was bittersweet because I did find them really useful and I found her really easy to talk to. I find talking and opening up difficult. It’s not nice to admit your lowest feelings and darkest thoughts.
I know everyone always tells you that you need to talk to someone. I don’t necessarily think that’s true. Well, not talk about the serious stuff. People naturally, with all good intentions, try and offer solutions and want to make things better. That isn’t always a good thing. Someone telling me the obvious or pressuring me to talk when all I want is space actually makes me more frustrated and angry. I’d much rather crack on with life and pretend everything is ok, or just not talk at all. That is why I find blogging so good for my mental health. People don’t have to say anything and I don’t have to reply to any messages if I don’t want to. Sometimes it’s just nice to know that people know and understand how you feel.
So here’s my state of play at the moment…
These last few weeks I’ve been fed up. Really pissed off with my life. I want a break from it. Not like I want to die break from it. I’d settle for being in a semi serious accident and being laid up in hospital for a bit. Sorry if that’s hard to hear. I want to escape from doing meds every night and morning and surviving on minimal broken sleep. I want a holiday from the monotony. Here’s the kicker though… I’d miss Isla too much. I get really bad separation anxiety from her so I can’t even contemplate being away for more than 24 hours. The time she’s at school is hard enough. Now I have offers from lots of people to do a night shift for me and to give me a rest… but again, for me, I can only really rest when I can see Isla. It’s a complete paradox; I want some escape, but I can’t relax without my girl. There’s no real answer to that. Which is one reason why I feel ok with no longer having psychology. She’d tell me that’s really hard and she understands. I know it’s really hard but honestly there’s not really a solution. I am really well supported and so many people help and make life easier for me in every way they can. I shouldn’t complain because so many people have it worse and harder than me… but that’s not how depression and mental health works is it? Knowing someone has it harder than you doesn’t necessarily make your life easier. However, I am very lucky and well looked after. I’ll soldier on and I’ll have nights with my friends when I can and I’ll do the things I enjoy like play football on a Sunday night, but really I accept that this is my life, at least for now anyway. I’ve made my peace with that I guess which in reality is probably half the battle.
Not an epic of a blog but short and sweet. I don’t need an hour long psychology slot anymore but it’s therapeutic to write down my feelings.